martes, 31 de agosto de 2010

In the woods... alone

D, Thanks for sharing your experience.
In the woods… alone
So at last I am on a vision quest, or something like this.
Trying to get rid of taboos and sins, trying to connect again with the spirit and nature and
hoping to get a new name as a compass for the next steps in my life.
I was rather excited the days before; it was something I had never done, camping in the woods.
When we went to our mountain by cars, the difficulties started. All my negativity that I have
collected over the years, broke through, and when we came closer, I was already done with myself and my life. Nothing learned, nothing accomplished, with the same garbage over and over again.
As I read afterwards in a book about the vision quests of American Indians, this is the
suitable attitude to get answers from the spirit. The seeker has to be in miserable conditions,
humble to get a vision.
The time we found the place where we would spend the next 5 days, I only wanted to be alone, as far as possible from the others of the group. To hide in the deep forest and not come out again. The place I found for my tent was perfect for this, surrounded and protected from big pine and chestnut trees, with a very old one next to my place, with a very big tree hole open like a mouth that shouts like the person on Eduard Munch’s “The scream”.
Or like a womb of the mother that protects me and has space for every complaint and sorrow I would bring to her…
I spoke with the place, with the trees and plants, trying to introduce myself, but they remained still. No birds, no sounds…
Putting my tent was difficult, although we had bought the simplest tents. The ground was not even and I tried to put some branches so that I could sleep somehow.
I found some ties in the bag, as soon as I tried to take one of the bundles, they all got tied together and I had not much patience any more.
At last, the tent stood and I got in to be alone, alone, alone.
I put a kind of fence around the area of my tent, even a trap out of small dry branches, that if anybody came near I would hear it before he would reach the tent.
Only to go to the toilet, I would allow myself to leave the fenced area.
I don’t remember the nights to be too spooky. It was not more difficult than to sleep in my house with the windows open. The thing I fear when I am alone in nature is only the man, the most carnivore animal of all the animals. But no one came, all the 5 days long. I heard some bells of sheep nearer or farer, but my place was so hidden, that even the sheep didn’t find me.
I slept, woke up, tried to meditate and my negative emotions tore me apart, not leaving one space in my mind which was calm. When they got to destructive, I slept again. Then, I woke up from some small noises that could not be of a human, so I didn’t fear too much.
Of course, I didn’t dare to go out in the dark, preferring to stay in the safety of my little nest.
The next day, somebody of the group came to take me to our meeting for the beginning of the isolation period. All the others where already at the centre place and I felt very much outsider. I was to prepare the small fire in the jar, and I objected so much to the idea, to light a fire in the wood, as an offer for the woods, crazy: to light a fire, that is able to destroy the trees, to make an offer to the spirits of the woods. That is something totally perverse for me.
I was so glad when I could go back to my tent, alone again with my torturing thoughts, but alone.
Also the second day passed like the first, sleeping, with the thoughts running for and back through my mind. I decided to start recapitulation of all the man of my life, of all that monsters in my life that wanted to change me, for whom I never was enough, who always wanted something of me and to whom I always refused and who all abandoned me each time.
Each of that shadows of my memory I gave a symbolic burry at the roots of the big mother tree.
After I had remembered some of the men in my life, my mind got calmer at last.
There were many dreams I can’t recall…
The second night I listened to the most beautiful music from far away, a women’s voice, it was real balsam on my soul, water in the desert of my mind and I was so thankful for this!
The third day I decided (or better: I heard myself saying to myself) that I’m alive and this is the only thing that is really important.
The mosquitoes were waiting for me outside the tent, trying to put their sting inside from the net and I laughed with their hopeless trials.
When I went the path for the ‘bathroom’, I wandered, if the broken leaves where from me, if I really had been so careless not to watch out with my steps. Or perhaps somebody else had been here before?
In the night, I heard some sounds under my tent, trying to make a hole in the bottom. It sounded like 2 mice and I made a sudden sound that they go away. Also I hung the sack with the food in the centre of the tent, so that it would not smell. Later I suddenly recognized that I had not made any offer for the animals of the wood and promised to put some of my food the next morning.
The next day I put a small place for offering some nuts for the animals that had visited me the night before. All the day the nuts stayed there and I felt sad, rejected from the spirits of the forest. Then, after the next night, my first concern was the nuts, and… they had gone without any trace!!! I thanked the spirits of the wood and from that moment I felt that I was a part of it. Now there where much more sounds in the woods, it seemed that the birds had got used to see my UFO-like house.
In the middle of the night, the wind woke me up. It was coming from all sides, and I got frightened. Suddenly I left myself to go with the wind, to let the wind blow through me and take me with it and it was an most ecstatic feeling: One wind came from the left, then one from the right, they met at my tent and in the middle of it was the ‘zip’ of a bird or insect. It was a so beautiful symphony, just played for me…Once again I felt that the wind is living.
The next day came to me a new name… suddenly it was in my mind and I started to play with it, it
Was so amazing fitting… It enclosed everything in it; the freedom of choice, the woods, and the ability to find a way out of the maze… it was perfect for me on my way.
The big tree was covered from one side with a green, very soft plant and every day I touched it with my hands. I discovered a small plant climbing up the tree, holding itself with small air roots. It had many small leaves, each of them in a different shade of green and each of them putting itself to the sun. Each of them had enough space to be in the sun… It was like a painting, so beautiful that I watched it for a lot of time…
The spirit, but where was the spirit? No spirit, no answers of the spirit, not existing, the same as the god of my children’s years, that never gave an answer… God does not exist, the spirit does not exist, everything is nonsense, love does not exist…
The last day I had enough of sesame bars and nuts and I wanted to be prepared to stay another day, if nobody would come to take me. But it was earlier than I thought and I felt somehow shame and uncomfortably to face the people again that I had so much rejected during the days before. But I felt somehow empty and didn’t give in the thoughts that wanted to start again. I had surrendered and the thoughts went by like the wind…
I went back to my spot to say goodbye and thank you. I packed my things, tried to leave the
place as I had found it, wiped away my traces…
I said thank you to the mice, thank you to the mother tree, thanks to every living being and the trees and plants for letting me be there for these 5 days. And…
Suddenly I heard the answer inside me: You can come back here whenever you feel to, it was nice to have you here…

After some days, we went again to take the second group. I went back to my place, in almost the same condition like the first time. As soon as I sat down on the roots of the big mother tree, my feelings calmed and my mood changed in an instant from depressed to completely happy! I asked the spirit to give me a sign, in which direction to go in the future and suddenly I saw a lizard in front of me, looking at me, completely calm without movement. Then, it disappeared in a certain direction.
Suddenly I thought that perhaps the spirit does not talk always with clear words in our minds, but that I can communicate seeing the signs…
My space in the woods is now a space in my heart: I can go there in each moment, whenever I feel that I want to be alone and protected and save…

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